hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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