I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
