I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
