So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
