I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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