Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
