You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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