My underwear smells like fireworks.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize