So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well you can't waste a boner
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize