i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she looked like the before picture.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
