That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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