Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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