What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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