dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize