I just made out with a guy for $7.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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