Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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