My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
