no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
