I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
