i don't plan on having that self control this summer
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
