Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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