Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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