allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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