I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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