he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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