How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
