My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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