Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
