God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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