Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
