You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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