Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
