You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
