she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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