i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
