My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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