Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
As shirtless as possible
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
