cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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