i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
