Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
