the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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