So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
