So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My vagina just clenched in fear
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
