why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
