I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
