I CAN MOONWALK!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
