I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
