I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Terrible idea I love it
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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