he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
