..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
