I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
