Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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