You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Your shirt... Was in my pants
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
