I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
