How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
