She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
